here are the things i wish i was done with…
caring about what people think of me.
being motivated by fear.
obsessing over things I cannot change.
repressing my feelings.
compromising my values to avoid rejection and anger.
ignoring my needs.
over focussing on solving others’ problems.
stuffing and losing touch with my own needs.
blaming others for my problems.
expecting perfection from others.
trying to control and change people.
i assure you, this is not the complete list.
I’m doing some hard work right now. At a weekly support group I’ve started attending, they gave me a pamphlet on codependency and as I read through it, my first thought was: Wait, are these things WRONG? I thought these things were my attributes.
Second thought: crap.
Third thought: Okay, now that I see this, I’ll fix and adjust immediately. I will not be this.
Later thought: I’ll be untangling this mess for the rest of my life.
A therapist recently said to me, “We come to our disfunction honestly.” I think of this often as I realize I am who I am because of my mom, because I married young, because I dove into serving others very early in my life, because of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But once you SEE it – once God lets your eyes have light on something…
Stay and grow?
Run and deny?
“…being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”
“…continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose.”
“…for I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
“…eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”
It’s sometimes a difficult to define the line between healthy and not healthy. My attributes and values live pretty close to unhealthy codependency.
I’ve just started Brené Brown’s book “The Gifts of Imperfection” (subtitle “Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are”), if you wanna read it with me. I mean you’ve read this far, so you must want to read stuff. You only get one life. Why not be as healthy as you can, for yourself and so that you have something to offer others when called upon to help. That’s what I’m thinking.